About Ray
First Meeting
First time we meet Ray and his little brother Jesse. They were in foster care with a family that was against a two dad family for adoption. The concern was Reactive Attachment Disorder Ray was close to bonding with this temporary family. Our point was just for him to have to be taken away (again) to be adopted. He should be bonding with his forever family. DCFS agreed with us. After five years in foster care we had stepped up. They were told not cooperating could affect their license to provide foster care. She did for a loving with four gets in house they were getting over 4K in foster care money. The process was supposed to take six months. We got both boys right before school started about a month after this meeting. Foster mom asked the boys if the wanted to move in with us . The both said yes. Four garbage bags of clothes and two bikes. We got two verry damaged little boys, by their parents, and a system that can only do so much. People with disabilities deserve better. Any thing less is abuse and negligence. Help us get justice for Ray Ray
Holding back the tears
McDonalds on Craig Road. in May of 2001
Above Ray with Warren alias Daddy 2
Right: Jesse with Lenny(me) Daddy 1
Our names were Ray's idea after seeing the movie Cat in the Hat. Thing 1 and Thing 2 . Ray gave me #1 because I adopted. 2001 only a single man could adopt. Because I was going to be the stay at home dad I got to go first. Adoption was a huge for Ray. The state of Nevada approved me an unemployed gay man in a five year relationship to be a dad of two challenged kids.
FOSTER CARE
Foster Care Classes
We missed the first class of foster parenting, and had to do a make up at the end. It was 15 couple's first class and our last class. At the end they explain the to the group. We were given a book with possible kids. to adopt with bio's. We were looking through when I saw this picture. I screamed. (Warren was so embarrassed) I said they could pass for our kids. Ray looks like you as a kid and Jesse looks like me. Warren's response. Who said anything about getting two?
We needed up with three. Jesse was placed in Foster Care at birth. tested poz. for drugs and alcohol.
Reactive Attachment Disorder
Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a condition where a child doesn’t form healthy emotional bonds with their caretakers (parental figures), often because of emotional neglect or abuse at an early age. Children with RAD have trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people. Children with RAD rarely seek or show signs of comfort and may seem fearful of or anxious around their caretakers, even in situations where their caretakers are quite loving and caring. This does continue into adulthood. When individuals from attachments for the wrong reasons, or get too attached to some extent obsessed. The attachment can seem like a life and death choice.
About Ray
Birth History
Ray's birth parents were drug addicts when Ray was just over a year old, they forgot to feed him for over 10 days. Ray's birth father out of anger over the constant crying shook Ray severally. Ray stopped crying permanently after that. Ray was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome. His one-year-old brain was swollen due to the shaking. He was diagnosed with Failure to Thrive. Due to no food his body had given up and Ray was dying. The hospital placed a feeding tube in Ray's stomach to give him the nutrients he needed to live. One year later Jesse was born and tested positive for drugs and alcohol. DCFS had placed Ray and Jesse's older sister in a foster home lace all three children in foster care. Jesse joined Ray in Olive Crest and then with the Lagon Family for the next four years of their lives. Their birth parents were told to leave the state or charges would be brought against them. The parents relocated to Pennsylvania where they continued to do drugs and have more children.
Five years in Foster Care
In some cases, parents who adopt children without knowledge of the child’s history might have trouble forming a bond with the new addition to their family, especially if the child has any emotional instability. When we picked Ray and Jesse for adoption, we had no idea about their history or the extent of their diagnosis of Autism, RAD or testing positive for drugs and alcohol. We were told by a class instructor that the picture showing the shape of their head would imply issues.
They did have an awesome placement with a large foster family for over three years. The caretaker worked for DCFS. From what we were told the afterschool babysitter did not show up and the police were called. The boys were pulled from the only home they had come to love. Ray shut down for over three days and would not eat or speak to anyone. Jesse was put in restraints because he refused to calm down. Another foster placement failed, and both were sent to a therapeutic foster home for up to four boys.
About Ray
RAD
Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a condition where a child doesn’t form healthy emotional bonds with their caretakers (parental figures), often because of emotional neglect or abuse at an early age. Children with RAD have trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people. Children with RAD rarely seek or show signs of comfort and may seem fearful of or anxious around their caretakers, even in situations where their caretakers are quite loving and caring. This does continue into adulthood. When individuals from attachments for the wrong reasons, or get too attached to some extent obsessed. The attachment can seem like a life and death choice.
Who does reactive attachment disorder affect?
Reactive attachment disorder is most common among children who experience physical or emotional neglect or abuse. While not as common, older children can also develop RAD. Children may be more likely to develop RAD if they:
- Have many different parent figures, like multiple foster care situations.
- Were taken away from their primary caretakers after bonding with them emotionally.
- Experienced several traumatic losses early in life.
- Have parental figures who didn’t try to become emotionally close to them.
- Spent time in an institution, like an orphanage, where they didn’t have a loving parent figure.
- Effects can continue into adulthood, with other diagnosis like Autism and Schizophrenia.
About Ray
How common is reactive attachment disorder?
The exact rate of occurrence is unknown since many cases aren’t reported, but reactive attachment disorder can occur in up to 1% to 2% of children. Kids who are removed from their homes and placed in other settings, like foster care, are much more likely to experience RAD. Almost half of these children have difficulty developing relationships over time. In Ray's case his attachment is on a light switch. It is a life and death relationship meaning one minute he loves you and the next minute he hates you. I have personally seen him flip the switch off, and after time back on again and desperate for forgiveness. As his dad it is the most painful experience.
Nevada PTA and Advocacy
Kirk L Adams was the first school I enrolled our boys in. Weird because it was the same school that their previous Foster Care Brothers attended. Ms. Lagone called our DCFS worker to ask how do you explain to her kids that Ray and Jesse have two dads.
We were the first 2 dad family. Ray attended third fourth and fifth grade. At the advice of Ms. Gagrier Ray's fifth grade teacher we sold our house to move to a different school. Ray went to Harney Middle School. Jesse and Kelton stated at Iverson Middle School. This required I join the PTA to advocate for my kids. We are talking about a lot of Mormon on Sunrise Mountain. A 2 dad family was an issue at first. I would end up as president of the PTA at Iverson.
Then was appointed to the state board as Non Due Revenue Chair.
then elected to two years Vice President of Membership and Marketing under Mo. Dennis and elected Rep to the Nevada house.
About Ray
Our Story
DCFS was past the court ordered deadline for finding a permanent place for Ray and Jesse after five years in the system. When we stepped in to adopt them, it was the therapeutic foster home family that tried to stop it.
The reason that Ray developed Reactive Attachment Disorder began when at the age of seven Ray had not bonded with anyone. For Ray everything was temporary. The foster family claimed they were so close to bonding it would be wrong to remove them at that time. The truth was they did not want the boys to go to a two-dad family. Something about being Mormon might have made us an issue. DCSF stood up for us. Our point was they should be bonding with us, not temporary parents. DCFS agreed. The therapeutic foster family was told they could lose their foster care license if they did not cooperate with the adoption. After DCFS informed the family of this, Both boys were given to us within two weeks later not the original months that had been originally requested.
RAD, is why we have and need red flag laws. People with RAD can turn off all emotions and do not care about the consequences. Older children and adults can be coerced into doing negative behaviors with anyone that gives them what they want or feel they need at the time. With Ray's case he was taught the difference of right and wrong but not when it comes to appropriate bonding. To emphasize, A bad person could talk Ray into doing terrible things. If it sounds logical to Ray's thinking process, and his impulsivity, he will go with this, as this is based on the premise that Ray will get what he wants in return.
Learning was very difficult for Ray. As Foster / Adopt parents we used rewards to encourage Ray to try harder. Our logic was based on the fact that people diagnosed with autism that Rational decision making and learning is more difficult, but still possible. We made Math a competition between brothers. I became an expert at IEP's and advocating for accommodations for the boys' learning disabilities. We had school at home every day even if there was no homework. Everyone read for twenty minutes. Kelton, who was on the higher end of the spectrum would just finish the book.
As an adult Ray struggles to have girlfriends, and friends that do not use him. People he meets tend to use his disability to their advantage, which has been evidenced throughout his life. A lesson that at this time Ray has not learned to recognize when people are friendly for the wrong reason. Ray only sees kindness in people when it is aimed at his direction. He trusts everyone if they treat him like he is "normal”, and they give him what he wants. Which in his case is friendship.
Ray’s disability is available to strangers as soon as Ray has a conversation. Ray's speech is greatly affected by growing up in with a large African American Family of Foster and Adopted Children. In his everyday verbiage he confuses words, reverses words, and everything is based on Ray's logic and how Ray was informed of the information.
Boys, Education and Competition and Kelton
After Ray and Jesse’s adoption was finalized, and we inquired about adopting another child DCFS then asked us to consider Kelton. Kelton was on the higher side of the spectrum, at the time and in the DSM, he had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Kelton was great in academics and his issues were having more deficits in both social and emotional development. His birth father was arrested for domestic violence against his girlfriend. She had Kelton placed in foster care while he was in jail. Kelton's biological father could not provide care for Kelton while at work. Danny signed the paperwork for an open adoption that also failed. Kelton's placement in Child Haven was an issue due to his Asperger's syndrome. This was a rough environment for Kelton due to his lack in appropriate socialization behaviors. Warren Adopted Kelton and we became guardians of each other’s kids and changed everyone’s name to Wheatley De Forge.
We moved on the advice of Ms. Giguere, at the time, Ray's Fifth Grade teacher. The boys attended Harney MS and Iverson ES where I became actively involved. I secured a Crosswalk between the two schools and at the schools Recreation Center became a Crossing Guard for a short time. My personal involvement led me to join the Nevada PTA Board of Managers as a Non-Dues Revenue Chair. I also was also the VP of Membership and Marketing. This is where, when, and how I learned to advocate for people with disabilities and did a multitude of other things.
The problem with Two Dads:
The one thing we could not provide is a mom with chess you can bury your face into as a kid. Then learned that at some point this would not be appropriate. Seriously, I Thank God for PTA moms that understood my sons need for hugs was inappropriate and shared that information. That was a teaching moment that had my mom and sister flying out to Las Vegas for several trips and then talking us into moving back to Illinois where I grew up. Where I was stuck growing up without a dad and wishing I had one. My boys were surrounded by a grandma, aunt, cousins and great Grandmother. It helped the boys tremendously. Me and Warren too. Note: This two-dad family raised three heterosexual young men so far.... ?
Even better was Urbana School District 116 2010 -2013.
My sister, a Special Education Principal of an Elementary School in the district where Ray, Jesse and Kelton were able to receive special attention. This was the best education for three challenged young men I could have asked for. I became an advocate and PTA President at the High School. All three boys had IEPs. I became an IEP expert that would haunt CCSD many years later. PTA advocacy 101. Ray was blessed with one-on-one education in small special education IEP classes of less than five people. They made the hard part easier for Ray. Math between three boys in our house was a competition. Kelton and Jesse had the same Math class. Kelton freshman Jesse sophomore year Ray was a senior. The Teacher stated my boys were three of the top math students at Urbana High school. My three challenges kids.
Urbana High School is the reason Ray can function in a competitive environment. Ray’s disability was keeping him safe. Keeping Ray making the right choices is hard. Ray is developmentally and forever fifteen years old, and his life is about what makes him happy. Sadly, it does matter who it hurts. Love, hate, empathy are all on a light switch. Ray can turn on and off at any time. Ray had one on one instruction and did great.
Instead of paying his bills. Ray will spend his money on supporting drug addicts for a pretend girlfriend and a place to stay. He purchased and broke three large screen TV’s. He has a Star Wars collection of paints, posters, bubble heads, and over 300 Video games. Ray cannot manage money, pay his own bills, report income,, manage SSI, He has over 7K in over payment he has to payback.
STOP FINDING JOBS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT READING THE EVAL AND FOLLOWING IT.
STOP FINDING JOBS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT ACCOMMODATIONS FOR THEIR DISABILITY
SLAVE LABOR - DISABLED PEOPLE CAN'T AND OR DON'T ADVOCATE - THIS IS ABUSIVE
Punishment by Rewards:
Punished by Rewards
The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes
(Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1993 / 1999 / 2018) (Tantor audio, 2017) 2018 and 1999 editions feature new Afterword by the author.
Our basic strategy for raising children, teaching students, and managing workers can be summarized in six words: Do this and you’ll get that. We dangle goodies (from candy bars to sales commissions) in front of people in much the same way that we train the family pet.
In this groundbreaking book, Alfie Kohn shows that while manipulating people with incentives seems to work in the short run, it is a strategy that ultimately fails and even does lasting harm. Our workplaces and classrooms will continue to decline, he argues, until we begin to question our reliance on a theory of motivation derived from laboratory animals.
Drawing from hundreds of studies, Kohn demonstrates that people actually do inferior work when they are enticed with money, grades, or other incentives. Programs that use rewards to change people’s behavior are similarly ineffective over the long run. Promising goodies to children for good behavior can never produce anything more than temporary obedience. In fact, the more we use artificial inducements to motivate people, the more they lose interest in what we’re bribing them to do. Rewards turn play into work, and work into drudgery.
Step by step, Kohn marshals research and logic to prove that pay-for-performance plans cannot work; the more an organization relies on incentives, the worse things get. Parents and teachers who care about helping students to learn, meanwhile, should be doing everything possible to help them forget that grades exist. Even praise can become a verbal bribe that gets kids hooked on our approval.
Rewards and punishments are just two sides of the same coin — and the coin doesn’t buy very much. What is needed, Kohn explains, is an alternative to both ways of controlling people. The final chapters offer a practical set of strategies for parents, teachers, and managers that move beyond the use of carrots or sticks.
Seasoned with humor and familiar examples, Punished by Rewards presents an argument that is unsettling to hear but impossible to dismiss.
Note: This was a book given to me by my sister. I agree with a lot of the points raised in this book. Ours was more of a twist. We found things that motivated the boys, those were in fact privileges they would earn for doing all their homework.
Rewarding met goals that boys set for themselves, and downplaying failures was the idea. Here where it creates a problem.
All the boys who wanted a driver's License all had that opportunity in high school with the exception of Kelton. Ray started drivers' education class in 2010 and never passed the actual driver's portion of the class. Tries again in 2011, and 2012. We returned to Las Vegas in 2013. Ray Eval 2015, and Ray started work at DiBella’s. I drove him to work every day and picked him up every day. Ray finally passed the written portion of the driver’s test and got a permit. So, Ray would drive there, get dropped off then picked up and he would Drive home. His goal was a car, which we supported if he could 1. Keep a job for over one year. 2. Get his Nevada Driver’s License.
....A work in progress
